Monday, January 9, 2012

A tough day

Today is filled with reminders everywhere.

The first was a simple post of a Mother bemoaning that her youngest had gotten sick and she didn't wake up (I absolutely get it, this wasn't a silly post). Everyone kept posting to her about Mommy intuition and that if your child really needed you you would wake up.

So do Father's not have this intuition? I am betting that women that have lost a child in their crib to SIDS or other causes would cry out that this is untrue.

I hate seeing this posted all over the net... Beside this facebook post, I read this same sentiment on a review poo pooing motion monitors, and on ignorant threads on various birth clubs.

Oh but the Holy Spirit will....

No it will not necessarily. I am sure that many who have lost babies were good Christians. We are not rescued from all the world's sorrows in this simplistic sense. It takes faith to believe your prayers will be answered, but more faith when the answer is no. God does not promise us an easy life on earth, just everlasting life. Ask any firefighter, police officer, or EMT (or a soldier who has actually seen combat)... they know. It is why they have trouble sometimes with simple Sunday School answers. Many of them do believe in God, but have been driven from churches and Sunday Schools as a result of simple answers that do not match a much deeper reality. I am not saying the simple answers are not true, but there is often so much more to the answer (to see the whole picture) that lifeway stock bible studies do not even begin to address in the hour alotted per lesson.

I can't post this. I don't want to be always be seen as the crazy woman who lost her baby. Society thinks you should shut up about these things. Or rather anything related to your child who has died (don't even say dead... you are supposed to say 'passed', 'always sleeping', 'taken by God', or if you were a kind person you would avoid the topic altogether as to not make the other person uncomfortable). Sure, post something about a narrow miss with your living child, but don't make people actually believe the world isn't the safe place they believe it is or take away the illusion of control.

But sometimes I REALLY wish somebody else would.

And the second was this picture on a facebook post:

Let me start out by saying I have a very complicated relationship with this picture.

Do I believe it? Yes. I couldn't keep going through the motions of life if I didn't. Other Christians have fire insurance, but my house... well it has already burned down. Either all will be made right when I die or there isn't much of a point to life at all. We are kind of like the pig in a ham and eggs breakfast, the chicken might have an interest because they laid the eggs, but the pig is committed.

But this is also the package the funeral home gave me. I think it is titled Safe in His Arms or something like that. This picture is on all the programs, signature books, and even many of the thank yous surrounding Perry's funeral.

It is so beautiful but so soul wrenhing for me.

I don't want Perry in Jesus's arms. My arms are empty.

I wanted him to go to Jesus after a long life, with me waiting to lead him so he would not be so afraid. So I could take him by the hand and we could go in together.

I wonder sometimes if he was afraid with nobody he knew to meet him in that moment.

Facebook was not kind to me today.

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