I was struck today by a thought.
God doesn't protect good Christians from everything bad that happens in life. That is called Karma, and it is not biblical.
Karma is an idea that invades everyday life. Even if you do not call it that, many people of all walks of life believe it, even many that believe that they are Christians.
It seems harmless, but Christians do themselves and others a disservice when they follow this belief. It does not prepare you for the storms of life, and at some point they will come. It does not allow you to help or be seen as available by those who are facing challeging times. It also invites some disasters as this perpetuates the 'it won't happen to me' myth. It allows you to hold a grudge close and say 'they'll get theirs' rather than releasing wrongs and allowing your life to progress.
I guess after praying for the safety of my family and losing Perry shortly after or while I was talking to God, I have been searching. I can't believe that Perry'd death is the act of kind God.
I have to admit that my struggles with prayers began a long time ago. The world lost a very kind man when Adam Burford died. He was a good kid, a good young man, and a good Christian. Unlike other kids who categorized, at 16 or 17 Adam was a friend to any who needed it. I can remember praying for him, while still in denial as to the seriousness of his head trauma, and expecting that God would answer this prayer. After all, if I could see God and Christ through Adam, wouldn't God love him as much as we did?
As much as I believe that God did love Adam, he died.
Years later another person was facing head trauma, but from what I knew of this person they weren't as loving or as kind as Adam. As he/she was spared, everyone cried "Praise God, a Miracle!".
And I had to wonder, was it God or good medicine?
I don't understand how it works. I don't understand if/ why God chooses to reach in and when he allows things to happen as a result of a fallen world.
My son was a sweet baby. There was no good purpose that I can see to his death.
Before Perry died, I had a few Adam moments. I wondered at them. He has been dead for over 15 years and yet here were songs that his memories were intertwined with popping up on the radio regularly that week. As I drove, I just had that feeling like he was in the car with me. I can't explain why I was thinking about him. While I have never forgotten him, I have to admit that as the Mom of two young children I was too busy to actively look back.
So maybe the message is that Karma is a deception and that the real lesson is not always through who is spared physically on this earth.
Maybe the message is that Perry isn't alone, and didn't go alone, as I often fear when I am at my lowest.
But it still rattles me. I pray and do not know if my words go anywhere.
If God could orcastrate things so that Perry did not go alone, why didn't he reach forward a millimeter more to spare him?
I have to be honest and say I don't know. It won't matter to me if Perry is there when I come home, but it matters to me now.
I still have a few people ask what they can do for me. Many people do not know what to say or do.
1) Pray. Tell me what you pray for so I know it's not polite words. I don't ask for them on facebook, but the people who need them the most may not post that they need them. There is a lot going on right now, what you see only scratches the surface.
2) When you want to say words that comfort me, but are at a loss, remember that the sound of my Son's name is lovely to me. Another Mommy who lost her child put this simple request together, I am stealing it from her. Sometimes you need comfort more after the people are gone and when you are alone. A card or letter means everything. If you do not know anything to say, just write "I remember Perry". That's it. You don't have to pretend to know how I feel or find the right words, I am not sure that there really are any. You do not have to write eloquent words. Just send even a slip of paper with them written on it to me:
Katherine/ Christopher/ Emily Williams
530 Knox Rd
Chapmansboro, TN 37035
You don't even have to say who you are if you do not want to.
This is important even when you think it should no longer matter to me, because it is then when everyone else fades away. Parents never fade away, they will always remember their children. No matter how many years or how many other children they have. They remember, they love; they long.
3) At some time in the future I am going to do something with this loss. It might be a safe sleep sack program for hospital nurseries, I am not sure. But I want it to be something to help other Moms, so hopefully they will be spared and not even know it. I'll ask for your help then.
I just can't do a program right now because my focus now is on simple survival. Really. I have actually 'cooked' only 3 meals that required more than simple reheating since Perry had died, it just seems sort of pointless and low on my priorities. Sometimes I eat just because I think it is time to eat, and usually it isn't even that, but the thought that Emily needs something to sustain her that motivates me.
I know this is a sort of wandering entry today, and I apologize. But that is how my life seems right now as I am searching for new tracks and new routines.