Saturday, January 14, 2012

Holding on

It struck me today that when I was watching the following video that we try to hold on to our loved ones by gripping tight to the pain. That it takes an incredible amount of faith to try to let go of it a little and grab on God. I know logically that this doesn't mean letting go of Perry. This is ultimately the only way to keep Perry.

When someone lives a small amount of time and we are left primarily with unfullfilled dreams, sometimes it seems life grief is one of the few tangible things left. We don't have the memories to comfort, the knowing that life was fulfilled. We did not get to know them as mature adults, secure.

So tonight I am praying. I am praying for myself, and for my friends that share similar journeys.

Dear God, let me know my son. Let me know him in your fullness as he is now. Let other Mothers and Fathers know their children. Replace this pain and grief with the love we have for our children. Let us know that although they are not here, they are alive through you, help us to see them as they are. Help us to see them as unique, complete individuals and let this knowing take some of the sting from death.

I know this may take a while as you are dealing with a broken person, but you made me and you know best how to fix me.

In your name we pray,

Please do not judge me too harshly. Sometimes the ones who seem to be healing the most just hold the grief tighter where you can not see. Don't compare me to friends or aquantances that look like they 'healed' quicker, they may just not be honest with you. So many Moms say that they fake a full year or two after their children die. The preacher's wife that lost a child may not feel that she can show weakness.

At times submission to God is simply accepting that this is my new life and living. The living doesn't look the same. At times I can laugh now. This is not cheating Perry because he loved my smile. But at times I will still cry. I am still broken, and at times it is ugly. But the raw scabs and scars that mark new wounds are not pretty. Yet they are still a form of healing.

Please be patient.

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