Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Confessions of a Grieving Mom

Lately Perry is weighing on my mind and heart. I have trouble sleeping. I pray to see him and am disappointed when I wake up without any comforting dreams.

Maybe it is because his birthday is approaching, I am not really sure. We just celebrated 3 family birthdays in March- I am now the lone holdout outside that month that entails a celebration that others will acknowledge. It should be me in December and Perry in June. I just feel this bitter sadness that another year is passing without a little boy here to celebrate. Sometimes I feel like people think everything is ok because I have another little boy, but here I still am wondering why I have to carry this.

It isn't because I don't love Paiden, if anything I love my kids with a fierceness that comes from knowing loss. He has been a complete blessing, another wonderful sweet tempered baby boy, but he is his own blessing and is not Perry.

And I still miss and want Perry.

I am tired of Perry leaving our family in small ways... no longer on official paperwork or in casual conversation. I have a falling feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about things we do as a family and yet Perry is not here with us. People introduce us as having two children, when it isn't true.

And so I found myself contemplating the family zoo membership form. Anytime I fill out 'family' paperwork I have a brief moment of feeling queasy. I hate every time I am forced to leave him off.

The paperwork asked for names and birthdays of children.

And I paused. I didn't want to leave him off.

So I didn't.

It isn't fraud, it doesn't cost them anything. But it meant a lot to me.

And I am not sure if God lets those we love check in on us or at least watch from a distance, but sometimes I hope. In a way the zoo card was a small open invitation- and a message that he is still family.