No answers

The results are in. Perry's death is undetermined. They can't say 100% that he did or did not die because of the blankets and things in his pack n' play.

He was pretty much perfect- measuring ahead on everything. Nothing so abnormal that it would cause any concern.

I have a copy of the results in my purse. What to do with them? There is nothing official that will be created with his name again. But what a dreadful thing to have. You want to keep growth reports not this. You don't want your child reduced to measurements and weights.

My husband began crying today as we signed in for our 'conference'. It is the last time we will write his name and birthdate at the Dr's office.

I think secretly we were hoping we would find something- maybe it would have relieved the intense feelings of guilt.

The ladies on the SIDS page say that undetermined is a mixed thing. On one hand, you will not worry as badly about something congenital in your next child. But they warn that we will always be in the CPS system now. One said a diaper rash brought on an investigation. The case is never closed, but left open.

And how it stings, because we loved him. I nursed him, changed his diapers frequently, sang to him, prayed over him. Rocked him. Talked to him. Kissed the soles of his feet so I could feel his toes curl. I would take his hands and guide them to touch objects that he would stare at, but were out of his reach. I didn't want him alone or frustrated, I wore him and tried to let him see as much of his world as I could. I didn't want this. No parent that loves their child would ever want this.