Saturday, January 7, 2012


I am going a bit underground. Lately I am starting to blog and not post a link to facebook. There are things I feel that I only want to share with people who will seek it out. I guess I think that if I can take the effort to pour it out, the least somebody else can do is click one more button?

I keep hearing it will take time for everything to be ok. What is ok?

I'm not mad about this, but lets look at it and examine it.

More functional? Maybe less things become triggers? Progressing forward (not that I really think of going forward positively... I want to go back!)? These things may be possible, someday. Some year. Some Decade? Sometimes they are achievable in small amounts and nobody who doesn't know would not suspect.

But OK? What is OK to me?

Ok is going home and finding my family there. My husband sitting on the couch, typing something that seems insanely trivial to me (these days) about politics on his facebook page, Emily sitting on the floor playing little people. Her little people aren't crying out for other figures to help them, they are rescuing cats in her little plastic fire engine. Ok is Emily getting frustrated because her little brother is laying on the ground next to her and he is knocking over her carefully arranged scene, maybe he is stuffing the cat in his mouth and slobbering copiously on it.

My world here will never be 'ok'. It will just be different.

1 comment:

  1. I'm thankful that I am subscribed to your blog through email. I just read "Little Goodbyes" and wanted to respond. When I couldn't find that post on FB (and I highly dislike FB now), I searched you out. I completely understand your most recent post. For those who get to attend the funeral, send the sympathy card, then go on with their lives, it's easy for them to give the well-meaning comments that it'll be OK or tell you that time heals everything. "This just takes time." I also wonder what OK is, and how much time? When Bob told me last weekend that another baby was born, I tried to hide the tears. He caught me crying, and all I could say was, "Life is different. We are truly blessed to have welcomed 3 baby girls into the world." Maybe I would have felt more blessed if we got to bring Grace home with us. After carrying Grace for nine months and holding her for a few short hours before she was carried to heaven, how can someone not be different? I continue to struggle with triggers. I'm surprised by the things that continue to set me back a few steps. I pray that you and Chris continue to look forward to heaven...of course, to be with Perry again, but also to be with your Savior. As you continue to miss him, we'll always be here.