When someone you love leaves your life, you are left with a long series of little goodbyes.
Today I set out the formula that I had accumulated as backup for Perry and am shipping it off to my SIL. It expires next September. I can see how people become hoarders, because it is not fair that I have to get rid of it. At the same time you have to let go of the pain to make room for more blessings in my life.
I am arranging for another drop off of stored milk to be hopefully used by a milkbank for premature babies, but even this is not so simple, because some banks do not accept milk from a Mom with a deceased infant. This is just one more way society whispers I could have killed my baby, although I am sure and remind myself that through this particular gift of love I made his short life better with less sniffles and sickness. We never had to take Perry to the Pediatrician for anything other than a well child check up. Sort of sad and ironic. But this was something that was meant only for him... As nice as it is that maybe I can help another baby thrive.
I am trying to prepare myself to say goodbye to his pumpkin.This would have been so easy to do had he been here, but is oddly, incredibly tough.
But here they are. The little reminders he is gone.
Slowly, I am trying to find ways of replacing these transient things with other meaningful objects. I made a book with many of his photos, and a small silver charm bracelet with pictures of my Daughter and my Son. I do not want to say Goodbye to him. I just want to say "Until we meet again...". This is easy and hard to do, within the same breath.