Friday, January 13, 2012

So easy to fall in love

Today I was thinking back on my children. I know every mother loves their children, but Perry was so easy to fall in love with.

Initially Emily and I had it in our minds that we wanted a little girl. We had dreams of reusing her cute clothing and Emily continually told me 'baby' was a girl. She clung to this belief so tightly she would get agitated if it were suggested or hinted otherwise. She went as far as to tell me "He is a girl!" after Perry was born.

So when Perry was born, Chris was a little worried how the ladies in the family would take it.

I just remember how, as they placed him on my chest after he was born, I looked at his face and was happy. This was who I was meant to have. He was easy to love. He came out with minimal bruising or swelling, and really didn't even want to cry, he just looked around. His color was warm for a newborn and he was incredibly alert.

At first I had to figure out a new baby, but I quickly discovered that Perry morphed into an incredibly amiable baby when I wore him in a ring sling or baby carrier. Instead of making him clingy, it seemed to give security even when I wasn't wearing him. It quickly blessed us with mobility, and Emily, Perry, and I began small outings together and even tackled longer trips to the grocery store. I felt sorry for mommies with babies crying in car seats as they struggled to shop, Perry seemed to look at them curiously from his perch. The only thing that worried me was how soundly he fell asleep in his ring sling, it left me checking him periodically to make sure he was breathing, and making endless small adjustments to ensure he was positioned exactly for a good airway.

As he grew, he was rarely cranky without cause, and was incredibly easy. He seemed to have instant confidence in me, trusted that I would take care of him. He began cooing and smiling when he saw me, and the relief was palpable in his face as I picked him up when I came off shift. I can only remember him really frowning once, and that was when I left him at the YMCA nursery.

He was a really good snuggler. I loved laying in bed with him in the early morning (although he quickly figured out how to warm his cold feet against my tummy) or rocking him in the chair. He molded himself to my chest and it was easy for us both to forget where one of us ended and the other began.

I dreamt the other night that he was laying beside me, in my mind it was early morning, and I had taken him from his pack n' play. But when I awoke as the dream turned disturbing, I realized I was just cold where he should have been. I reached over to gently move my daughter towards me, and realized as wonderful as it was in it's own way, she did not melt into me.

She is no longer a baby.

We no longer have a baby here.

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