Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Trying to find the good

What can I say about this lost pregnancy? If you have to say all things work together for good, there must have been some positive in there.

1) For a while I had a little hope again. Not that things will ever be the most that they could have been, but that there might still be good ahead for us. I struggled and didn't write for much of this time frame because I have the sinking feeling the best of my life was almost 5 short months. I think I needed this small hope the most when it was given.

2) In the strangeness of miscarriage, my nose became ultrasensitive again as the pregnancy progressed and after it ended. Really- pregnancy symptoms return as the HCG falls, a strange and tortuous fact.

So how was this good? Perry's shirt and belongings, for one brief period of time I could smell his little boy scent mixed up with milkiness again. The scent had faded, leaving me crying more, but it returned.

3) I realize that life will go on, for better or worse.

4) Ok Beth- I love you... But at least I got to choose my bridesmaid dress. I have the body of a 37 year old who has had two children. I can't wear the same thing as a 14 year old and maintain any dignity. I am sure I will be a bit sad knowing why my dress is different, but I am sure the day will be bittersweet for me. Happy my SIL is about to embark on a new section of her life, but incredibly sad Perry isn't there and will not have the chance to meet his own bride.

I guess these things aren't much, but you have to understand I have very little faith in normal pregnancy anymore. I believe that if God is willing, perhaps I will meet these children I never got to see or learn about.

And meanwhile, all the babies just keep smiling at me. Even the Moms seem a bit confused. It's not Perry's sweet smile, but perhaps a message nonetheless.

I'm not jealous they are alive, as I was after my first miscarriages.

At this point then, you probably wonder why I don't talk babies with Moms then. It's not jealousy, it is just that they can't handle two way communication. I don't want to talk about their child without talking about my son. They can't handle the smiles mixed with tears when I remember him. I can't handle avoiding him like an awkward political subject, he was a lovely child who deserves to be remembered. So I just avoid it. I have had other parents say that it is our job to be a guide to our friends. But I can't do it right now. It will take a brave friend who can laugh and cry with me to go there, and for the most part people are just afraid.

Babies on the other hand, can accept a smile as genuine even if you are crying. They have no preconceived notions of how you should feel.

I never forget my son. He is always on my mind. You can't make me sadder by talking about him, you just expose what is there. It is bubbling underneath and sometimes it is a relief to let it out. But sometimes it is not all pain.


  1. I'm so sorry about your miscarriage....not sure what else to say so I'll leave it at that. You really hit the nail on the head for me when you were writing about the one-way conversation with moms of living children. I hate that too. sometimes i feel like they think talking so much about their own children makes me feel better because it distracts me or because it shows that they still think of me as a parent. Either way, it often pains me.

    If I was your friend I'd sit with you and I would love to hear all about Perry Bryce. ;)

  2. Katie,

    My heart feels so heavy for you...not just today, but it always will because we both know that this sorrow, this emptiness, this heavy "brick of grief" that we carry in our pocket doesn't just go matter how much time goes by.

    I want to share a hymn with you...not to magically make you feel better, fix you, or even try to heal you...but maybe to feel just a little bit of comfort that only God can provide. Bob picked this hymn to be sung at Grace's memorial service, and we sang it again in church on Sunday. I know that God is with us, whether or not we can feel Him...I know that He is here.

    Day by day, your mercies, Lord, attend me,
    Bringing comfort to my anxious soul.
    Day by day, the blessings, Lord, you send me
    Draw me nearer to my heavenly goal.
    Love divine, beyond all mortal measure,
    Brings to naught the burdens of my quest;
    Savior, lead me to the home I treasure,
    Where, at last, I'll find eternal rest.

    Day by day, I know you will provide me
    Strength to serve and wisdom to obey;
    I will seek your loving will to guide me
    O'er the paths I struggle day by day.
    I will fear no evil of the morrow;
    I will trust in your enduring grace.
    Savior, help me bear life's pain and sorrow;
    Till in glory I behold your face.

    Oh, what joy to know that you are near me
    When my burdens grow too great to bear;
    Oh, what joy to know that you will hear me
    When I come, O Lord, to you in prayer.
    Day by day, no matter what betide me,
    You will hold me ever in your hand.
    Savior, with your presence here to guide me,
    I will reach at last the promised land.

    How I look forward to that day! As we continue to miss them, I pray that we all draw nearer to Him until we can hold our children again.