Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The conclusion, posts I wrote when I wasn't writing

Feb 3, 2012

I guess by now you have all read the posts on my days that I did not write. I originally set them for release on March 11, because that was when I was ready to tell. I don't tell until after the first trimester, I know things are uncertain for me at best.

After two ultrasounds (when the heartbeat went from 80 to 114 BPM), we went for a third yesterday.

No heartbeat.

Only 2 of 6 pregnancies have ended with a live birth. I cry mostly this time because I have never intended my Daughter to be an only child. And she isn't, but now I face the reality that for all practical purposes she is and could remain. It is very sad to know that for a brief time I had my perfect family. I had a girl and a smiling baby boy, and all that is gone now.

I looked at this pregnancy as something to hope for, my husband looked at it as partially a chance to 'do things right'. But it has all vanished as vapor.

I hear from older parents 'at least you can have another child'.

No, it is not that simple.

I loved my children as blessings not as just normality in my life because I recognized they survived inspite of all the odds.

And now I know that even when you have a child they can never be taken for granted.

In this life, you can only guarantee the present and love them here and now. As is true with anybody.

In the end all will be made right, but I continue this journey for now.

I always felt sorrow for the people that believed the best part of their lives was in high school. For the time being, I feel my best was when Perry was alive. And it saddens me.

I have had no innocence with pregnancy since I lost my first. I wish I could have been left in innocence with children. But I have not. And I continue to live, oddly richer and so much poorer for it at the same time. My eyes are clearer, even with the film of tears, than they have ever been. But oh to see Perry Bryce again even if I could not keep this knowing, I would do it in a heartbeat.

A heartbeat... A simple tiny thud of muscle. Just a moment in time repeated for life to continue. Even that eludes me.

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