The beginning of the end?

Jan. 8, 2012
This is part of what I am afraid of. I have had a small indication today that all might not be well with this pregnancy.

To anybody else this would be nothing much to be concerned about, but this is how most of my other miscarriages began.

I am asking you to be kind and not to judge too much. Maybe it isn't healthy to try so soon as I mourn, but I do not have the grace of time that younger women do. It isn't unexpected, most of my pregnancies have ended this way... which was why I appreciated both of my children so much. That doesn't mean this isn't easy.

I had a bad feeling when I couldn't get the special prenatals I needed right away. Somewhere between the midwives office and Walmart, during the busy holiday season, someone dropped the ball. I freaked out a bit on the pharmacist tech the second time I came and it was not ready (I had to request them to resend the prescription) and they were out... I made her call just about every pharmacy in town and winded up driving close to base to get it.

I'm hoping this is just a false alarm, but ?

So there you have part of why I might have been acting a bit out of it.

But then, I'm not so sure you will even be able to tell. I'm 'tached' out already. It is a real loss, yes. But no Perry. I mourned over each of my miscarriages, and at first felt guilty about Emily and Perry. Each of them would not have been around if I had not miscarried... I'd have still been pregnant with the ones I lost. But I came to largely accept them, because as I held my children in my arms, I knew they were meant to be. I could not imagine any other baby. Perry and Emily were healing in this regard, I could forgive naive Moms again. I could talk baby things, although grouching never quite came as easily to me, because I knew. And when I grouched, it was nice that I could forget a moment. But I never completely forgot. I understood when I responded to women who were having miscarriages. I felt joy for couples that had struggled to have children for whatever reason and finally brought home a baby.

I can remember crying when I was huge with Perry. I was in the spare bedroom and looked in the closet. A small jacket I bought during one of the pregnancies between Emily and Perry was hanging up.

I never forgot.

Now, when will I feel comfortable with a new child? Before it was late in the pregnancy before I started to bond, and to be honest I had to see them in my arms. Now I will know that is no guarantee.

I still hope, and pray (although I admit I have trouble as I prayed for my family's safety as I went to bed the night Perry died) that this pregnancy might make it. What will I feel if all goes well and I hold this new child in my arms? I will not be able to feel at peace with Perry's death or at least gain as much acceptance. There will still be a child missing. But I have to hope that the house will not seem as quiet, that my arms are not as empty, that maybe I can end this childbearing era with more than a tombstone as the period.