Monday, March 26, 2012

Another day in my life

I am starting to have a few hours where I feel like I am starting to get some peace again.

I still can't say fine when people ask. It feels like a lie- I guess I am seeing that life goes on, but I sincerely want my little boy to be here. I am sad that it feels like he has slipped away from my arms a little more... the feeling that I will walk into my bedroom and pick him up for a nap is fading. I have to consciously think about him to bring back his features sometimes.

I am getting a little frustrated at times when I visit his hideout. I can't bring him back and at times visiting feels futile.

I am also a little aggravated today at naiveness- both of women who haven't and women who have had losses.

I was looking up an online support group for women who have lost infants. The website also posts the most recent conversations in all boards and one thread was on the December 2012 birth club. It turned out to be an "I hate it when... " thread.

I am surprised at some of the extreme feelings on a wide array of topics. My hates are now reserved for regrets surrounding Perry, the fact that he is not here, and truly evil people.

Some of the things-

"I hate women who post but aren't pregnant and aren't necessarily going to have babies with us"- I thought that perhaps some of these women were looking for hope. Where do you go when all the grieving groups and TTC groups do not help but drag you down? I guess this is why some of the women go to the birth club boards, they want to be on a birth board even if only for a couple weeks. I also thought- how funny that women assume that they are guaranteed a baby just because of a little line on a test.

"I hate babies/ pregnant women after trying for XYZ months/ having a miscarriage".... I might be hurt by seeing these things when the missing hits, but I do not hate women or babies. Babies can die, these little ones are precious... I can feel hurt but I could never hate a child. Moms- do we ever know what they have gone through? Yes pregnant women are so baby focused sometimes that they can be very insensitive to that other side that they do not want to see- the land of miscarriages, infertility, baby loss. But not every woman.

So I hate the word hate on the lips of the naive!

But I can't post.

I hate being a walking ghost.

I don't talk much. I live in a different dimension than most of the people here. When I do talk sometimes I feel like they pretend they don't hear me, like sometimes they can take away from their own fear. I am the unthinkable that does happen. If they keep the banshee at bay death will not touch them.

Some parents I know continue to use blankets or cosleep and they KNOW about Perry. Why do they think they are different? This birth club will have women ad mauseum talking about cosleeping as a bonding experience in the coming months.

I hate the picture that floats around facebook featuring a cosleeping Mom and baby (the perception versus reality). The reality is laying on her baby's foot. She could just as easily be laying on his body, or next to him in such a way that she smothers him... or drag a blanket over his face. Cosleeping is like putting your child in bed with a knife. Look at the stats. But I am sure these same women judge for the blankets in the bed that were put there on a cold night, they use it to try to say that every method has dangers- and they do, but don't justify bad decisions with other's mistakes. (I also hate all the pictures of infants with blankets in their cribs and bassinets.)

Do they really believe only unloved babies die? That only bad parents lose infants?

And their children continue to live and breath, their hearts continue to beat.

I am thankful for that and also sad because mine does not.

But I do not hate these Moms or their babies.

1 comment:

  1. Oh to be so naive again...I'm thankful that my eyes have been opened...not so thankful that it took losing our baby to open them, though. For me, it continues to be difficult to see pregnant women and infants...not all of the time, but often. I'm not angry...I just associate these two with Grace and her death. The memories of our living daugthers' first years are hidden somewhere in the shadows. I continue to pray that the clouds move on so the sun can shine through again.

    You're right, Katie, we don't know what others have been through. There are so many scenarios we could talk about...No one knows of the cross that someone silently carries just by looking at them. This experience has softened my heart to many...but at the same time, it has hardened it toward others (namely those who thankfully are naive).

    Thank you for writing this, Katie. Prayers continue to go out to you and your family. They always will...

    Take care,