I have been putting off writing this blog entry for a while now, but I feel it is time. Paiden Bradley Williams joined us in early March at a whooping 10 lbs 1 oz. He seems incredibly healthy and alert.
I guess I put off writing this update for several reasons. The first is that I have been sorting through a lot of complicated emotions. I can't understand how Paiden is here although it should be nearly impossible and yet Perry isn't. I heard someone say something about a higher power, and yet while I am incredibly greatful, I am just going to say that I am not sure how it works. Because I know that there are many women and their family that have prayed for a child and never received one the traditional way. Some of my friends have never had a positive pregnancy test, some have simply never met the 'right' spouse and do not believe in having children outside marriage, others lost children as I have and yet circumstances and/or nature have not been as kind to them. I know that like me, there are many more who prayed for safety or healing and yet do not have their children anymore. I can only say that I am grateful for every one of the children I have been blessed to hold, that I am giving up on human understanding. I will try to hold every moment with my Daughter and Son in the coming years as a gift, but will continue to view Heaven with a longing for reunion.
I know that some that have not lived it will not understand that healing does not happen completely here. They will not understand why my emotions are complicated when I hold a new baby. But really that's the answer- Paiden is a new baby. His own gift, but not his brother.
I realized just how complicated everything was on the second day of Paiden's life. As I nursed him in the early morning, bleary eyed and worn from a sleepless vigil, my mind hit a scratch in my memory. For a second my tired mind did believe that I held Perry. It did not hurt because of that, I did not feel any horrible sense of betrayl to Paiden. It hurt because for a couple minutes the burden was lifted off my shoulders, the world seemed normal and right again, and I was truly happy. When I realized Perry was still gone, the weight crashed back down. I have become so used to the heavy gravity pulling at me that I had forgotten what normal felt like. What living with all your born children was like... And it left me sobbing for what was lost.
At the same time Paiden has filled some of my longing. He has nudged me along a bit- even as I have been struck by memories of his brother wearing some of the same clothing, it has felt good that they are not doomed to be relegated to boxes of memories anymore. In some ways Perry's memory has become more alive, more of him living as his brother is now, and less of the terrible OTHER.