I find it very interesting how joy can coincide with sadness. Most people seem to think that there is only room in the human heart for one emotion at a time and that is not true. Granted the joy seems muted, very cautious and careful- afraid to be naive in the moment and to believe that it can last.
Pregnancy after loss is very much the embodiment of this. It's why I don't post openly about a pregnancy until the outcome is determined. I don't forget my son because another child grows in my womb. I wish in some ways it would be as easy as many think, but I realize for that to be true it would have to be Perry in there- the cells of his being reforming.
I went and bought a few clothes for the baby yesterday. I realized while holding a cute little shirt and agnozing over what size to get (in Gymboree a 3.99 cute shirt is a rarity- get it why you can), I had two choices- one was a size 3-6 month and the other a 18-24 month size. One is the size the baby will probably be once it gets here in the late winter/ early fall and the other the size this baby should be in a year /or the size that Perry should be now. All of a sudden it turned a simple choice difficult, as if by choosing the size I was choosing between children. I held up the shirt with a pair of little pants and realized I was trying to figure out in my mind how big Perry should be. In the end I bought both- I could afford it, I didn't want to choose, and the baby could probably wear them both anyway.
It is an accomplishment in many ways- that I trust that this baby will be born. That it was an ok decision because I trust this child will live to see a year, that the tags will eventually come off. I was even able to look in the closet and look at all the unworn little boy things, plus a few that had been worn but hung up.
The strange thing about the timing of this child is that because I always try to buy on discount about a year or so in advance, whenever I buy clothing I will be thinking of Perry.
Perhaps Emily is right and it is a little girl and I have spent foolishly instead of wisely. But honestly I am tired of NOT buying from fear and would rather waste a few dollars at this point. That's life after loss, knowing fear with a familiarity that few will ever know and yet choosing to believe it is a bluff this time.