Friday, April 27, 2012

Putting Your Family First

This is a hard post to write.

How do I explain that while it is not logical and against everything you are taught, that for a while during this grief process, everyone has to take a backseat while the immediate family grieves.

You shouldn't have to. In theory you are surrounded by loving people who 'get it'. But what do you do when you can't explain it to anyone because they are all 'bright and shiney', don't talk about it and it won't hurt type? When they don't understand that at times there are no words, and they have to read it in your body language? When they are so busy being fair to everyone that they don't get that at this moment in your life you need more? That you can't always be fair because different people need different things, doling out the same to everyone doesn't work. You can't dole out the same to me, my son is dead. You have to do different things, get over your own hangups about death so you can recognize him as being important to me still. When I can't say no, because the social situation dictates you have to act normal and yet others don't stop and think if they should? When you hurt so bad you can't say stop- you need someone to meet you halfway and read what your body is screaming?

Most of the time your spouse should be able to get you. But sometimes I feel like we are moving in seperate spheres. He is still trying to be fair to everyone. To put on that face society wants you to, or maybe your extended family does.

But this isn't a time to fair, or inclusive, it is about simple survival.

My survival.

I can't glorify God until I wade through the valley of death. The wading part, the going forward is my testimony that I think there is a God out there.

I was really tempted not to write this, but I suspect that sometimes there are Moms out there drifting away. I also read great comments like you have to be the guide for those that don't get it.

Don't you get it? I am trying to guide you.

Say my son's name. Just not on the phone, but in public. Hang his pictures on the wall prominently, it may take the sting from seeing pictures of babies doing what Perry will never do. He will never sit on Santa's lap... Oh don't you think the thought kills me inside? Ask me what to include when you take a family photo to 'hold' his place- or do you really not believe all that stuff about God and Heaven?

Or maybe even put more pictures of him than other living relatives. You have so many things you can still do with them. These pictures are all I have left. Don't try to balance it to be fair. You can't spoil him.

Let some things be special for my daughter. She needs, I need her, to be special right now. By making all the same things for everyone it tears me up because I know exactly what Perry should have but will never get. Let me imagine that had he not died there might have been special things you felt about him or would do for him that you would for no other. There are things she is capable of because she is the oldest, but younger children can't do. You don't hold her as much as the younger ones, so let her shine as the only one that can do some things for a while. Let her be in pictures by herself or stay up later. Or be the only flower girl because she is the only one old enough to be.

Let her talk about her brother and not leave her comments dangling awkardly in the air. You would ask about a living brother, so ask about Perry. She remembers even if you would rather she not.

We're not normal anymore. Fair isn't normal anymore.

To us nothing is fair.

You glorify God for new babies and his 'plan', but mine is gone. You never mention him anymore. Does God just hate us? My plan was ripped off the wall the day he died.

Think about what you say.

1 comment:

  1. Brave post! I LOVE IT! "Bright and shiny" in my humble opinion holds other titles as well.