I'm trying to act more normal. Please understand though that if I can't make small talk it is because on my side of the fence I have very little.
The superbowl... it had no effect on my life. Does it really matter who carried the ball across the line more? I guess the only thing that matters about it is the families watching. If it is bringing them together or if it is seperating them as a parent leaves the family behind because tickets for everyone would be too expensive.
Clothing and shoes. They just cover your body. You'll throw or donate most of it away in less than a few years. I used to love kid's clothing though, and this leads to pumpkin hats and teddy bear overalls that makes me smile with tears in my eyes.
Take mail and taxes. Everyone talks about taxes, and mail, well it's all junk for the most part right? Well, I can't. There is this whole fire box I avoid in my house that is full of important papers. I used to love it because it was all happy things, transcripts of schools, wedding certificates, birth certificates, and passports that promised that the best of life was yet to be. Now there is a death certificate. This year I will have to put that my son lived and he died on our taxes so some bean counter can decide if he legally existed for government purposes for the tax year 2011. Next year it is simple for them: your son is clearly no longer a family member in 2012 and for every year on. Easy right?
And the mail... I get satisfaction surveys for the funeral home, lifetime guarantees for a small burial vault. Who knows what else my husband has shielded me from, I know I've taken care of some things without him knowing. I think we have both thrown away Gerber life insurance mail advertising free life insurance for your baby, without the other one seeing. I still get email from them stating "Your 8 month old should be crawling!". Unsubscribing, the spam list... it still gets through.
But then I also get different mail. Letters from Moms who have also lost children, that say I simply write what they want to and can not. In these letters, the women are full of compassion for people they have never met. I get small slips of paper from other states and sometimes just a line "I remember Perry". I put the papers away in a drawer and look through them when I feel alone, even the little slips.
I don't get invitations to baby showers anymore. I know people are still having babies because the pictures of the fully stocked nurseries pop up on facebook with astounding regularity. I guess they are afraid, but I'd love to get one that said "Come if you can, and we won't be upset if you don't." I can't guarantee that I'd come, but I still care. I'd even be willing to try to come, but I think it would be more upsetting to everyone else if I cried.
So I don't know. How do I talk to people?
I wonder if mothers who have lost children before they were born or any time after have the thoughts, "I wish you knew how this feels. I wish you could feel the pain I'm in. I just wish that you knew 'life as I know it'. I know that I often feel that way. Looking back in my journal, I read an entry a few days after our Grace died. The last sentence read, "Thankfully, they have no clue." I repeat this several times each day.
ReplyDelete"How do I talk to people?" I think that the strength to talk to people will come...I won't say when, but I think that it will come. If you're anything like me, Katie, you might be afraid to talk. I'm afraid that nothing will be said, and I'm afraid of what will be said. I'm afraid of my grief being compared to another's...that's devastating when you are made to feel as though your grief should be so much less because your child lived a short earthly life. It's devastating when you're made to feel as though you're doing this all wrong. This usually comes from those who "thankfully have no clue". Sometimes it's necessary to say nothing and paint on the smile, then cry your eyes out when you leave.
I can relate to all of the things you talk about...clothes, mail, taxes, death certificate, (birth certificate stamped "DECEASED").
I pray that you continue to receive notes from those who know life as you know it. It helps to know that others are living with this, too. It helps to read the thoughts and feelings of others who understand and can relate. My feelings are validated when I can shake my head and say, "That's how I feel. I wish that I could tell my family and friends that."
When you write, Katie, you're talking to people, too. It's difficult for me to write to others when there's no response. Yes, it's easy to respond to the funny little things our girls do or say, but when you pour out your heart about the cross that you have been lovingly chosen to carry and there's no response...that's hard. Silence is deafening! That's when I assume that others expect us to be "over this by now". Oh, the expectations we had when we were expecting. We expected to share our lives with our babies, our children...and when that changed others seem to have their own expectations of us.
FB became too difficult...too difficult to "rejoice with those who rejoice"...too difficult to read the small talk. We call it "thoughtless chatter". Too difficult to see that people comment on the meaningless things and pretend to not see "life as we know it".
I pray that you are able to surround yourself with people that you feel comfortable talking to...people you feel comfortable being with. Surround yourself with the comfort that only God can provide...comfort in His promises of eternal life with Him and our loved ones who are living with Him today.
God is faithful...
Wendy