Saturday, February 25, 2012

Seeking Dream

I dreamt I saw an angel. The angel was wearing normal clothing with dark skin, at first I thought it was a man but it seemed amorphous and shifted easily into a woman. Her eyes were dark brown and her hair was dark, straightened and cut just below her shoulders. She didn't have wings and looked very normal, a slightly full face that while not unattractive, would have been very unobtrusive. I sensed I could have very easily passed her already in my day to day life and not noticed her. Or perhaps had been nice, but not really focused enough to get to know her or care beyond what I knew superficially. That I had almost certainly had as with so many masses of strangers passing by us each day, entering our lives for only seconds or minutes in the periphery of our lives. (There was a guilt in this like I should somehow be intimately interested in and caring for every soul that passed by.) But for some reason I just knew who and what she was.

She wasn't happy or angry, almost had the attitude of a government worker who wasn't soured but not extremely joyous.

I begged her to bring me to my baby, to let me see him.

I followed her over grass into a neighborhood. There was a large formal two or three story brick house and in the front was a small fenced area with young child's toys strewn around inside. The fence was a small metal black one and the toys were very colorful and gaudy in the environment.

When I tried to follow her inside the house, a white fog swirled inside. It was like trying to enter a structure fire and being surrounded by dense smoke, trusting only in the safety of a line and the solidity of the wall you are following. You can see only a few inches infront of your face, even the source of the dense smoke is lost. I dreamt that I saw, the fog cleared, but instantly I couldn't remember.

I cried as I found myself aware again outside on the lawn. I called out to her again, begging to see him. To be allowed to remember something of him. She would not let me see him directly, but showed me a photo for about 6 seconds. I dreamt he was with another young child/ older baby that I didn't recognize but felt was somehow intimately connected to him/us... an unknown sibling? This child was fair haired, so much so that I doubted if it were my child, perhaps some other important person. The answer was lost in the fog. But I knew this moment was short and chose to concentrate on Perry. In the picture Perry was an older baby, or very young child, and I recognized him instantly although he was changed by age. I was startled by his long dark hair that hung down to his shoulders. Before this I had him pictured in my mind with a tidy little haircut sort of like his fathers. It struck me that either they didn't cut hair like we do here or that he was not yet a year old and they were following my wish not to cut his hair yet.

And then it was gone. I was crushed that I would forget the picture just as one more brief mortal memory. Everything seemed very transient to me.

I am not sure what to make of this dream, just a sort of desperate seeking for my son in the one area where he may not be denied to me here. Whether it was granted or just my mind giving substance to a desperate wanting I do not know.

The second child in the picture is sort of bewildering to me. It is easy to brush aside most of the dream, but it was like a fragment of something I did not know and could not dredge up on my own was somehow incorporated. That I was shown something and then it was quickly taken away. In most of my dreams I can pick random thoughts from my brain for each portion and trace each segment back to a logical conscious origin, like my brain was fitting together leftover or random thoughts into a puzzle to make some sort of order out of randomness. But this puzzle piece seems unfamiliar to me in my life as I know it now. And it bothered me, like the baby/child should also be extremely important to me but I couldn't remember.

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