I called Perry my Rainbow baby. Here is the definition.
Rainbow babies: In some circles, babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as "Rainbow Babies." The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.
Perry was born after three miscarriages. He made everything feel as if a perfect God were indeed in control.
The irony does not escape me, I do not need to write on that.
After his death I prayed for God to give me a sign to know that Perry is with him. I prayed particularly for a painting of Perry held in Jesus's arms. There are many stories where parents who have lost a child or struggling in the hospital are given paintings or artwork depicting their child by a cross on a shore, or in a hospital bed surrounded by angels. I really wanted this sort of miracle. Later, I even heard of an artist who would do exactly this picture for me, has for many parents who have lost a child. But I didn't think you pay for a miracle.
I tried to commission a stone for Perry (angel holding him). The artist backed out, but is reconsidering. It was pretty depressing to think I couldn't even pay for something similar to it. Emily was very adamant about it being an angel, so this will be for her if it comes about.
I prayed again and wondered why the answer was no. It struck me that God was working on the person. Either they were saying no or didn't think they had the talent. I prayed again- maybe another artist would take it up.
I read in the bible (Revelations 21) that the foundation of the city walls in heaven were made of sparking stones of many colors. I thought of Perry as my rainbow baby. Rainbows seem to be a really common theme for me these days.
Then I was looking in my locker at work the other day (you put what you really value hanging up in your locker). There was a crude attempt at some of Emily's first artwork. She had drawn several sheets of lines in crayons. When I asked, she said they were rainbows and was very assertive that they were for me.
Maybe not my picture of Jesus, but a pretty effort for a three year old. It could be the result of the rainbow episode of Mickey's clubhouse she used to love watching right before Perry died. But sometimes God can work through seemingly unrelated minutia.
Maybe my picture of Jesus is still out there somewhere, will come to me at sometime in the future. But my rainbow is pretty good, don't you think?