Thanks to a friend, I have rediscovered Steven Curtis Chapman. There are two songs that are really weighing on my heart- I could have written them minus the pronouns or a chapter. I don't know how to explain that finding another parent who feels much the same is both a balm and at times a reopening (of wounds, good memories- all of the above).
The blind rage that sometimes hits is not here today. It is a basic longing for both things that are lost and the hope that all will be made new again. I know Heaven is much more than my child, but at this moment all that I see heaven as is his face.
I love the lines about eyes disappearing as she smiles. This is how I remember both of my children's smiles. I say both, because that huge smile of Emily's is still often missing. She still smiles, but not like that so much anymore.
I don't really feel like writing a lot today, so I'll leave it at that.