Sunday, August 12, 2012

The dark side of the earth

I haven't really been posting a lot. I've received some pushback about ways that I have been reacting since Perry died from family members and this no longer felt like a safe way to post.

I am not going to apologize. You can't put me by the ruler of normal human behavior anymore, because things are not normal for me, nor will they ever be again. I am trying to work towards a new normal and I am having a really hard time visualizing what that will be like.

So I think I am going to start with explaining that we did in fact have a couple miscarriages after Perry. Along with a visit to a specialist who told me that the fact I got pregnant with my son at all is a miracle.' Miracle? Are miracles taken away?', I wonder.

So it has felt like God has turned his back on us these months as if we were Jobs without strength. And at times, I felt like God was angry at me for questioning it, that the miscarriages were a sort of punishment.... after all he never gives you more than you can handle- and guess what, I wasn't exactly 'handling' things. I felt like the hope for anything more was being taken away.

I can't tell you why prayers don't work sometimes. I was just starting to feel like, here around me, with every praise for an answered prayer was proof that I had been left behind or rejected. It was in stark contrast to the way I used to feel- that somehow somewhere there was a God who really loved me and was involved in my life. It wasn't always a perfect life, but I felt loved through it all. It got bad enough that I stopped reading the bible, words that used to comfort just seemed to mock.

I heard all around me about the power of prayer but very few people who said Christians are not immune. We are also great at praying for miracles day after day, but sometimes not so good about praying for people for whom the answer has been no with that same intensity. And yet when you are at your worst you sometimes need them more. It's not as satisfying to pray for someone in the dark- there is rarely a clear event you can point to and say "There is my answer". They will rarely come out and ask for prayers, because they don't want to be seen as a victim or someone who seeks oiut attention. But yet I can only tell you that when bad things are allowed to happen, there is the second whammy of attacks that they rarely share. And thank God for prayer warriors. Those people with small notebooks who remember day after day when it is no longer mentioned.

What would he take next?, I wondered. I was afraid to ask on many levels because I am sure things can get MUCH worse.

But somehow, I still prayed. I started praying for other people again. I prayed a lot for God just to let me know he was still there.

For a long time the answer seemed only darkness.

Then on an online group there was a post: "A word of encouragement". At first I thought it was someone with another 'miracle' to share. But here is the meat:

"but Zion said, "the Lord has forsaken me and my Lord has forgotten me." Can a woman forget her child and not have compassion on the son of her womb? Surely they may forget, yet I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands..." Isaiah 49:14-16a.

The Lord no more forgets us when we feel he has turned his back than I can forget my son. He is always on my heart and the longing for him is incredible.

The words that you are foresaken or forgotten about because you feel as if he has turned his back are all lies. But they are so convincing at times... It is hard to see the sun that is blocked by the Earth but it never goes away.


  1. Katie you are writing this blog for you, those who have suffered the tragic loss of a baby or child, and for those who love you.

    Sometimes you posts are difficult to read, and I cry. My heart breaks for you because I know what a wonderful, sweet soul Perry is, and how devistating his loss still is to those who love him.

    I pray for you and yours constantly. I feel very strongly that this blog is catharic for you. Write what is in your heart and as the spirit of the Lord moves you.

  2. Hugs! First off let me say this is YOUR space. Family members need to not read if they can't respect YOUR thoughts. These aren't their thoughts and feelings. So bugger off family members! If you can't support. If you can't love! and if you can't speak Perry's name and talk about him then you stink!! I say this in love only. Death is hard enough to process when it is a person of age and unexpected. This loss was unexpected on every level and every cell of a person gets shaken loose. Katie I think it's remarkable and wonderful how open you are with your emotions and how hard it is for you to trust in the Lord at this time. Showing us all how you are making your way back and trying so hard to find a new normal. I can't imagine how you wake every morning and yearn for your lil' milk monkey. You are on the list in the notebook and we haven't forgotten any of you. Some days I admit to confusion as to what to pray for; solace (not sure it's really possible), trust in the Lord (possible, but again given the loss' I can see how I would get lost in the dark). I think we have settled on helping your family find it's rhythm again. The drum beat that you can march too and a beat to follow when you feel that the beat in your chest isn't strong enough to hear over the sobs of missing, hurt and the pain of judgement from others. We want you to feel pieced back together; as I am sure I would feel broken still. Love you and hoping this next year is good to you!!