Friday, July 18, 2014

Nearly three years

Wow, I am still here. I mean I am not surprised because I had no intention of leaving, but at times it just did not seem possible. The load was/ is incredibly heavy.

But here I am, and sometimes it seems like things are changing. I do not know if healing is the right word, but I guess a new normal is coming. Sometimes I thought I would never reach it, other times I didn't want to (because letting go of that ugly raw pain is hard, because it is sometimes what you have left of your child in the present).  And yet it is coming.

Sometimes I do not cry every day... in the beginning I couldn't cry anymore because my body had no more moisture to spare. I am starting to look at chores again beyond the bare bone basics.... in the beginning getting out of bed to shower was a victory and a clean house was not on the radar. I buy clothing in advance again... in the beginning every unworn outfit stung (I saw them all as sad shadows of the ghost of a future that was never to be).

How did I get here? I guess I learned to cut myself a little slack. I learned to keep Perry with me in a way that felt real to me. I learned to set boundaries.

The angry is going away for longer periods. Bubble people no longer send me into fits of fury. I can largely sympathize with the minor setbacks in life again, or hurts that pale against death . I see most people as complicated lovely messes again.

I am changed. I still carry the aftershocks of Perry's death with me, still cry in the car or during hymns at church.

But I am surviving.

1 comment:

  1. I like the way you put it - a "new normal" - we have to keeping coming up with our "new normals", don't we? I'm a year and a half out and I feel like maybe my "good days" are finally starting to equal my "survive days" or "bad days." And I like what you said about keeping Perry with you in a way that feels real to you. I am still coming up with that, but we are getting there. We still speak his name almost every day. We still visit his bench regularly. We still talk & wonder about what he'd be like if he were still here. We include him in our family pictures and holidays. We still miss him like crazy.