Sometimes you feel like you are adjusting to this backpack you wear and then it hits you again. I found myself last week with a day to myself, around Perry's birthday. I had already sent the sleep sacks to hospitals in preparation for some sort of vacation.
Unfortunately plans do not always work out for various reasons, and of course Emily and Paiden chose this time to become ill.... so the vacation turned into a staycation with short jaunts.
For the first time in over a year or two I lay in bed and couldn't convince myself to get out. I drug Emily's Thomas the train set into our bedroom and let Emily have a tablet next to me. Breakfast was cereal in Paiden's monkey trap cup and a pop tart for Emily.
For a long time I just watched Paiden playing with the toys and cried. I kept reviewing Perry's birth and inevitably his death and I could find no peace in it. I know at some points I got up, fed everyone, changed diapers, and did the bare functional things. But I don't really remember much about that day. I suspect the kids might have still been a bit down from the illness, they both slept a lot anyway.