I admit, my Birthday was a bit depressing. I didn't want gifts. I knew what I wanted.
I wrote the poem the next day. After I finished, I ran 3 miles to beat it out of me. When I run, when I am tired, I can close my eyes and just be. My heart rate steadies, and I can think or think nothing. The pounding of my feet (I am no ballerina) voices the same mantra over and over, the words change depending on what I need that particular day.
After I was finished I lay on the weight bench and let my body stretch.
My husband called me.
After looking on his cell phone different times and finding nothing, he found what I had wanted. It isn't a perfect gift, but as near to it as is possible.
These were the pictures that I had been so badly wanting.
I am not in this one, because I am taking it from the bed. This is the biggest smile I have ever seen on my daughter.
This was taken the day of the Vanderbilt game. Perry is in his/my favorite outfit (how cool is it to a baby that something to play or chew on, the teddy, is right there). I also put his leggings on and somehow managed to convince him to keep his shoes on to make an appearance in polite society. When I first saw this, the message above it was from Tricia and I think she said she was was covering our family in prayer. We were at the Vandy game with Tricia's family. I do not think this is some random sort of luck.
So thank everyone for your prayers. You may feel like they are small, but they are a very concrete gift to us these days. I still do not have an easy heart regarding what is God's plan, and I do not think God causes bad things to happen to his people. I will have a lot of questions, but I believe that he still loves us.
After I finished crying, I felt a little lighter. I ate well, and I slept the whole night. I was happy. I have regained a little bit of my Son.