I had to buy warmer clothing for Paiden. I have largely used Perry's clothes as hand me downs, but Paiden's size is different- at least for a few months. I knew it would be.
I used to be the Mom that had entire wardrobes bought at sales a year or two in advance. It wasn't that I didn't have a chance after Paiden was born and all the winter stuff that remained was very cheap, it was just that I couldn't. I felt like I had somehow spit in the face of fate by buying clothing in advance. I was afraid to now.
I both hate and love that I do not take my children for granted. On the one hand it is the horrible knowing that nothing is guaranteed, on the other hand it is notes on school supplies telling Emily I love her, and moments captured that I might have simply let slip by before.... Like swinging.
The everyday details are miraculous when you see them for what they are.
Paiden swinging for the first time. Emily insisted. I was hesitant, in some ways I wanted Dad to be there.
He laughed, She giggled. No apathy here either.
And before we left a butterfly drifted around the play equipment, circled us for a while, and was gone.
The last part was very beautiful. And I agree the regular parenting things when in mourning are so weird. Like you must physically move on but mentally its impossible.
ReplyDeleteI had planned to sew my son's diapers before his birth but I couldn't for the life of me find all the necessary supplies. It really really upset me, and then he was born and then died and it was like "was that to spare me the extra sadness? " Idk but I won't be sewing for my rainbow either. It just doesn't feel right somehow.