I guess one of the biggest lessons I have learned is that sometimes you have to grab joy in the moment. What I mean by that is sometimes you simply have to live right now- not in the sense as many take it overindulging in their favorite vice, but simply breathing and enjoying what is right in front of you.
So today as I held Paiden I kissed his checks, soft and rough at the same time. I inhaled his milky scent and felt the fine baby hair tickle my nose. And I was happy.
I was happy when I held Emily. I was blessed to hold Perry. And now I hold Paiden and try to let contentment wash over me like a gentle wave. I will be happy in this moment and I will not let darkness drift over it. I will not let sadness place a black stain over my entire life. It may impossible to always hold it at bay, but I chose to stand my ground right now.
I have come to the realization that if I place this moment in the basket with the rest of my life, it will always be lacking. My life will always lack Perry. Sometimes the only way that I can find happiness is to take the present out and hold it up to the light by itself. I study the details sparkling in the sunbeam and enjoy each color that plays in the facets.
If I connect it to the past I have only tears, and if I connect it to the future I have only worry because I know nothing is guaranteed in this lifespan. While many do not live with as dark a past or perhaps do not have worry clouding their future, some of us do. And we have to relearn to live in the now as a child, or quite frankly, there's no joy left to us anymore.
I know I am blessed. The other day Emily, Mom, and I all found four leaf clovers (after telling Emily that the only person who regularly find them them is Lt. Hood). Mine was the only one with a mangled leaf, but it didn't change what it was. It felt oddly appropriate to me- maybe not perfect, but I got to and still do hold something that many other people may never find or overlook in a rush.
Here are a few verses I took ownership of shortly after Perry's death when the world became a terrifying place for me:
- Matthew 6:27-29
Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.
- Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.“
Luke 12:25 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you.Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.