Stress and Life

So today is one of those days. I want to stay inside my house in a little ball, but my daughter will not let me. She is currently in the process of dragging out every toy she owns. She has knocked the vase with some of Perry's dried flowers down and I caught her standing ontop of my work tote bag, pulling the frame with Perry's pictures off the wall a bit. She was looking at the back as if she was trying to find him behind the frame... so I had to intervene to keep her from bringing it down on her head.

Today Perry has now been gone as long as he was alive outside the womb. I thought I would be very angry today, but I am mostly just sad.

I have seen many updates lately on blogs of women that have lost children. They almost all seem to be pregnant and all is going well, no miscarriages for them. I am really torn- happy for them as they need to experience something of life again, and a little melancholy. Why did my child have to be taken? I went through so much to have my family and there is no easy Phoenix baby for me. How can God allow a little boy to be taken that has cost me so much emotionally and physically just to get him here? I loved him, he was no neglected child spared from life. He was the fruit that was hard won from rocky ground. I can plow this ground again all I want, but it may not yield anything more.

Meanwhile my 12 year old niece is being admitted to a treatment center. She has had a lot of problems and the kid hasn't had an easy go of things.Some of which she has sadly created unknowingly by her own actions, even though she may not be able to understand cause and effect. It is important for kids to feel that their parents love them, and while she has a Grandmother raising her, I am sure there is a void there. The combination has been bad. She made a threat that had to be taken seriously and said she 'wants to be with Perry'. Whether this is attention grabbing or a result of her mental health, or perhaps everything combined, we do not know. I just hope that in this center they can throw all the pills she has been prescribed out the window, evaluate her for what is going on from a new perspective (I just don't think slapping ADHD on every issue with children is addressing what is going on with her), and be able to really help her. All the counseling and pills has done nothing or is no longer working as she is reaching puberty/ recent events. I hope they can help her. I hope my Mom gets enough of a break that she will be able to clear her mind and be able to plan and deal with whatever is the next step.

A worker asked if my husband and I could take her for a bit to give my mother respite. we are, as odd as this may sound, the most stable family in her circle. And we can't... I feel a lot of guilt, but I feel like my husband and I are both struggling to swim and to keep Emily pointed in a direction (hopefully towards a shore where we can all find safety). We can't take her. I think the drama would add the last rock to our feet and could drag us all under. I also have the residual memories left from growing up... some of this feels like deja vue (sp?). Emily clearly loves Sheila, but I would never want to put her through the same things I went through. Bringing Sheila in would be inviting CPS into our home if not from immediate circumstances, from future actions that will be inevitable from a clouded child. All good intentions aside, CPS destroy as many homes as they salvage. Sometimes a child with special needs will draw attention even set in a good family. Short of sitting in the same room every second to watch and control actions, future drama seems inevitable at this point. I want the last time we ever have dealings in our immediate nuclear family with CPS to have been Perry's death. I want them as far from me and my family as possible. I can't do that if I take my niece into my home. I feel like I will be starting the cycle all over again.

But my niece is worth saving. While she can't understand consequences or think ahead to the next logical step, even though she is prone to bursts like thunderstorms, when the clouds clear there is a really nice girl in there. She can be kind and loving, everything in complete contrast to just a few moments ago.

She is surrounded by clouds ,of circumstances not of her making, and of her DNA. I hope she will not be lost in them forever. I hope that the right treatment and medications will pull her through.

The conclusion, posts I wrote when I wasn't writing

Feb 3, 2012

I guess by now you have all read the posts on my days that I did not write. I originally set them for release on March 11, because that was when I was ready to tell. I don't tell until after the first trimester, I know things are uncertain for me at best.

After two ultrasounds (when the heartbeat went from 80 to 114 BPM), we went for a third yesterday.

No heartbeat.

Only 2 of 6 pregnancies have ended with a live birth. I cry mostly this time because I have never intended my Daughter to be an only child. And she isn't, but now I face the reality that for all practical purposes she is and could remain. It is very sad to know that for a brief time I had my perfect family. I had a girl and a smiling baby boy, and all that is gone now.

I looked at this pregnancy as something to hope for, my husband looked at it as partially a chance to 'do things right'. But it has all vanished as vapor.

I hear from older parents 'at least you can have another child'.

No, it is not that simple.

I loved my children as blessings not as just normality in my life because I recognized they survived inspite of all the odds.

And now I know that even when you have a child they can never be taken for granted.

In this life, you can only guarantee the present and love them here and now. As is true with anybody.

In the end all will be made right, but I continue this journey for now.

I always felt sorrow for the people that believed the best part of their lives was in high school. For the time being, I feel my best was when Perry was alive. And it saddens me.

I have had no innocence with pregnancy since I lost my first. I wish I could have been left in innocence with children. But I have not. And I continue to live, oddly richer and so much poorer for it at the same time. My eyes are clearer, even with the film of tears, than they have ever been. But oh to see Perry Bryce again even if I could not keep this knowing, I would do it in a heartbeat.

A heartbeat... A simple tiny thud of muscle. Just a moment in time repeated for life to continue. Even that eludes me.