The Baby

I haven't posted about my pregnancy for many reasons, the first being that I have really horrible luck with pregnancy in general and lot of things going on in my life- I hate prayer request time because I don't want to keep blowing everyone out of the water. The second is that pregnancy doesn't mean everything is ok now, and I wanted to share with you here about my son.

But I do have to tell you that there are so many aspects of pregnancy that are harder after losing a child. The first is a horrible fear, how can I ignore a stillbirth or any other type of loss when I have had m/cs and lost a healthy baby? After one contraversial post, the bad dreams intensified. I dreamt there was a bull that had been banished from the area, but had returned. He was tracking me, and as I ran a little voice said he will kill your child and CPR will not help. I had a kind person give me a ride- the scenary was very much like West Texas and Eastern New Mexico with cattleguards, desolate landscapes, and skinny cattle nestled in the russian thistle and mesquite. The person let me hide for shelter in a trailer, but none of the windows had coverings and I was forced to hide in a tiny closet with a green plastic handle. I could hear the bull and eventually I tried to flee, but he gored me. He was killed, but the damage was done. A Dr was there. I was placed on the table to operate and get the baby out. CPR was performed (tiny BVM mask and all the procedures followed to a T) and the boy child was small and still, cold in my arms.

In many of my pregnancies I get a feeling that it just wouldn't make it. With Emily and Perry there was residual fear, but not so clear of a feeling. So for a while this dream has sort of held me captive. I look at the dream and I can see it two ways- a clearinghouse where my brain associated a comment made by a relative as killing my son emotionally again (perhaps the bull being masculine represented the writter who set me far back). Or the other that this was the not all is well feeling again. So I have not had a good peace about this pregnancy and sadly won't now.

Anyway, I'll try to write a bit more about this experience as we go, but no guarantees. I am trying very badly to pretend normal with this pregnacy.