Thanks to a friend, I have rediscovered Steven Curtis Chapman. There are two songs that are really weighing on my heart- I could have written them minus the pronouns or a chapter. I don't know how to explain that finding another parent who feels much the same is both a balm and at times a reopening (of wounds, good memories- all of the above).
The blind rage that sometimes hits is not here today. It is a basic longing for both things that are lost and the hope that all will be made new again. I know Heaven is much more than my child, but at this moment all that I see heaven as is his face.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9JTwJ_1lzE
I love the lines about eyes disappearing as she smiles. This is how I remember both of my children's smiles. I say both, because that huge smile of Emily's is still often missing. She still smiles, but not like that so much anymore.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gg7l0vBqMaA
I don't really feel like writing a lot today, so I'll leave it at that.
Thank you for sharing these songs, Katie.
ReplyDelete"Heaven is the weight of her in my arms..." Last week, I had a dream that I was holding a baby girl while I sat in church. I'm not sure if I was holding Grace, but it felt so good to have the weight of her in my arms again. Everyone in the dream was going about their own business, as though I wasn't even there. I soaked in as much of this joy and time with her as I could.
"Oh God, I know it's so much more than I can dream. It's far beyond anything I can conceive."
These are comforting songs coming from someone who also walks this road.
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9
The wait will be worth it.
Praying for you constantly, my sweet friend.
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